Muse of a Thousand Lights

22.10.16 – Amsterdam. Dedicated to my oldest friends.

We are blessed by the things we do not have. Lifted of the the burden of the things we cannot, should perhaps not, obtain. A blessing of lack, of the absence of the objects of our misguided desires. We are blessed by our mislaid plans not coming true, even if we cannot see it that way when universe tells us to stop. When she gives us a new path by closing another one, we are blessed without knowing or understanding why we are seemingly out of luck at that moment of realization.

We are wrong as we forget that we may in fact be in luck when what we wanted is taken away from us.

We are moreso blessed by the things we have. A melody of our existence, a trace of the intricate and unique trails we blazed – a reminder of our past, an image of our present, a whispered promise of our future.
I celebrated my life with my friends today. It was good. It was pure, easy, effortlessly satisfying until they all went to sleep and left me alone under the stars of a pristine sky – the light of the universe piercing my mind from all existable angles.
I realized that I’m also very angry. I will see all this burn. The want, the desire is sometimes too strong, but there is a me in I that holds the destruction at bay. I know I will feel disdain and scorn, and I will smile at the end, once my wave crashes through… this. That knowledge almost hurts. That smile of selfish, self-righteous, self-inflicted outward fury will hurt in the extant ability to feel that kind of anger – righteous or selfish, regardless of its reasons, it will leave a taste of blood. Will it be my blood?
As the blood may flow freely once it’s time. The me in I knows the empty shell of a victory once nothing no longer stands at the wake of my fury. It is my art, my moving words through life. It’s my music. It’s the culmination of things I couldn’t do. Life goes on, we, as specks of cosmic dust, move onward and through. But I feel fit. Healthy. I am going to do it. I need to do it. I want to do it. I want to live. And I want to celebrate. Learn. It is my duty to my future family and self to be good now, so I can be better then. This is probably the mantra of mine against midlife crisis. Because there is always a crisis. Life is a series of crises and celebrations, a series of failures and conquests, a personal, untameable string of ups and downs – but I will do it. Grab the bull by the horns, grab the lion by the mane, grab the crocodile by its trapping jaws. Pull out the sword of will, of ambition, of honesty, of justice, of mercy. And make my way through life. Leave nothing but good words, good memories, good remembrances in others’ minds. Leave the fury behind, even when just to be given, but never let go of the sword.
The universe whispers a solemn song. Melancholic, majestic, promising. She makes me smile as I realize her indifference to my small being is filled with a light given freely, even if uncaringly. Carefree, and lighter, right now all I need is my best friend’s lighter. And it feels fucking celebratory. Under the clear blue sky. A crown of celestial passage, a speck in a universe of the endless: ever flowing, always morphing, never the same – never different.
It’s my music. We, in our feeble minds and hearts, sing. We try to sing out loud. My throat burns enough already, but in my hand shall my sword remain.
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Willscape

The gravestone of our will

Cold, bleak, desolate,

Ever-resilient

Ever-present

Constantly permanent

Stands in stone

Against the wind.

Etched on it,

Timeless was and shall be

The crown jewel

Of our Mighty Hill

Through which

There is no Right Path

But just the Only Path.

Paved with the stones of

Today’s failures,

Littered with the corpses of

Yesterday’s dreams

The remnants of yesterwill,

Constant and permanent

Standing

Against the wind.

Secret in the Stars

α

Stand next to one another
Deep in the night sky
Twinkling through the everblack
Look, deep, watch, bright.
Never to touch truly
Never to be far kindly
Never to forget
What you cannot have
Ever to admire
What you cannot have
Never fear
What you may at once have

Deep in the night sky
Look, longing, watch, bright
What you cannot have
Only ever to admire
What you cannot have.

Till she looks back
Across the night sky
Never to forget
And realize
What we could have,
Ever to admire.

All we were to have
All we are to have
All we were meant to have.

Till she looks back
Across the night sky
Look,longing,watch,bright
And realize
What we could ever have
Standing next to one another.

β

Thunder stroke across the horizon
Within an arm’s reach
Within two hearts beating across
Thunder strikes across the soul

As I’ll always remember you
As you danced giddy by the sea
Engulfed by the setting sun
Shining ever bright
My beautiful, smiling fairy
By the blue sea

How I long for thee…

γ

We cage the beasts within
Mine and yours
We cage them within
But they breed
Their get stronger
Than the bars our minds
Put across our hearts
What our souls and selflessness
Can build

Fallible

Against what’s within
Now that we’ve held hands
Held our hearts, minds, and soul
Have shared all within
Mine and yours.

δ

When the quietest scream
Erupts in the loudest one
There will be no one left
To understand what was
Once a dream.

Ω

Walk slowly, slowly,
Into a thin darkness.
Through it, with me,
Get lost
Into a thicker darkness.

Lose yourself,
With me,
To a secret,
Away,
To find the echoes of laughter
Believing that we are ever
Safe,
In our secret away.

The echo of our words
Safe in our love
Because we laugh – because we love

In a thick darkness, in our secret
Away.

Golden Boy

The Buddha spoke to me in my dream,

He advised of stony patience,
Kin to a stream that runs for millennia
Through monolithic mountains.

He spoke of personal fury,
Rage to destroy one’s enemy
How deserving they may be,
Forgiveness the eternal remedy,
As virtue it may be
To vindicate an enemy.

He told me of a kinder soul,
The divine spark in all of men,
A heart of good will for all of men;
A goal holy, a road thorny,
A path fraud with sacrifices many.

I asked him, when shall I
Dream of you again?

A golden smile upon his lips replied,
It is I who dream of you,
Among the clouds, under the sun,
Above the earth, under the moon.

Pages of Madness

I become the pages
On a Book of Madness.

Every uttered word
On a Scene of Loneliness;

Its discord,
Its permanence,
Its quiet darkness

Echo on every breath,
A scene of infinite Madness.

I become the pages
On a scene of RAGE;

Its penult,
Its fire,
Its engulfing mire

Echo on every breath,
A scene of infinite Madness.

Night Terror IV

It was in a bed that was neither mine nor not. In a hotel room, indifferently bland but functional, with my stuff sprawled randomly in order, resilient to the efforts to be disdained. It looked like a good regrettable fuck, messy but attractive enough to be made yet not important enough to be cared for. Something I would want neither mine nor not. Something to be purposefully forgotten, its memory to be exchanged for a better one.

It was after a day of battling demons. Coming back to real life from a very different, very attractive, very forbidden, very primal time, I hated the kid sitting across from me for 6 hours. The brat was practically laughing out loud while watching whatever funny on his mom’s tablet with earphones on. How dare he laugh so innocently, so recklessly in that weird high pitch. Not to mention he kept on bumping my knees with his ridiculous sneakers as he swayed his feet in unbridled glee. Kids… And their awesome moms who don’t even try to correct them. Put the mask of civility on, smile lightly, listen to your music. Smiles back, sheepishly, in a way that reads and reflects the same mask, in its core an indifference unwilling to acknowledge the broken rules of civility. Thank God she had a ring on.

Things that mattered to me were battling their demons. Most of all that I love, stuck in another land waiting, no, willing to be raped and despoiled, were at the risk of being casual casualties of ignorance, submission, subservience, and unbelievably incomprehensible willingness to accept as is given. Fed. Like a poisoned apple you know will date rape you…

It is warm in the room.

Practically with nothing on me except a rather thick comforter unfitting to the season, I’m battling my demons too.

Choices, choices, choices.

The sights, the sounds, the laughter, the words, the dancing of the lights in a purple blue haze, the floor that gives way, the shining smiles, the quiet dances, the booming beats of the heart… The only choice is to put on a mask of civility, and force myself to sleep. Shut off the thoughts, silence the brain, still the heart. Pray. Sleep or what goes for it right then drifts me into it, with it, making me fall through it.

It’s a still dark, it’s an unnerving quiet.

Something is coming.

I am afraid. It’s a raw fear, it’s always the same fear, each time stranger than the last, but always the same. I know what it is, but I’m not able to brace myself against it. It envelops me in its coils, the dark tendrils tighten around my chest.

Something has come.

I see myself, like a horrified spectator, trying to move. I try to shake myself out. It’s always the same yet ever different. Stronger and wanting to fight. I push, and it pushes back. It fails my breath, I try to lift my hand, it sits like a sinful guilt on my hand. I snarl, whimper, but never cry.

Something is chasing me across the room that is neither mine nor not.

It’s a black hand. Starkly strong against the grayed walls of the room. Some sickly yellow random Earth street light shines into it, casting a fog over the black hand that wants to tear my head off. I thrash at it, punch it, swat it away. I feel my fist go through what feels like mud, and it recoils and hisses, opens itself wide. The five headed serpent opens a mouth of a thousand fangs scream my name; a threat unto my soul is issued by the dark, and my demons accept the challenge.

Something will pay.

I open the cage to the beast. It devours the black hand, takes a big bite of the dark, chews on it. I can hear the rattle of bones, I can feel them grinding, feel them sharp and biting still.

Something changes.

A sword of shining obsidian bites into my heart. It judges, makes me feel worthy of its pain. The beast whimpers and goes into hiding. Lick its wounds, feast on the guilt, become stronger through the pain. I cannot move now. A yellow fog dissipates its sad glow on me; I can see that. I am here.

Something won’t make it.

I am the only truth now. I will my eyes to open wider. I no longer see myself as an open wound from afar, watching helplessly. I am in control. If I fail, it will be on me. The weight is on me, it is in me, it is above me. It cannot take me. I lift my hand, I open my mouth as if to take a bite, I snarl.

Something is lost.

I’m in feet before I know it. I’m staring at the sickly yellow light of a street in a town where choices, choices, choices took me to. The only remnants of the thing that should not be in a room that is neither mine nor not are discarded to the side as a taken off tshirt, damp around the neck like a garrotte.

I look at the bed that is neither mine nor not. I go back to battling my demons. Choices, choices, choices. The sights, the sounds, the laughter, the words, the dancing of the lights in a purple blue haze, the floor that gives way, the shining smiles, the quiet dances, booming beats of the heart… I let sleep take me this time. It’s not a fall, rather a dive, heart beating slow, ready to fade out into a blissful dark of nakedness.

Finally.

The Bright

You are the Lord of the Other Side
Of the ever-burning fire
Of the imprisoned inspiration
Of the bloody rebellion
Of the eternal damnation.

You will be loved
You will be adored
You will be praised
You will be bright
You will be hated
You will be hunted
You will be damned.

You will be worshipped.
You will become the Dark.

You are the Keeper of Secrets
The honesty in every lie
The lie in every good deed.

You are the Mirror of Truth
The love of every lust
The lust in every love.

You are the Master of the Winter Tide
Of the ever-burying snow
Of the infinite Prison
Of every committed crime
Of every suicide

You will be needed
You will be envied
You will be called
You will be bright
You will be accused
You will be searched
You will be reviled.

You will become lost.

You will be worshipped.
You will become the Dark.

Helpless – Powerless

Ambitions to conquer the world, to secure the future may not help. Desire to be happy, the need to work to live, to live to work may not fulfill.

What is an ambition, a future, without the ability to help the present? The need to help the one who is most loved, most wanted, most cherished, most dreamed of?

A good word here, a beautiful look there, a bunch of words here, a call of peace from the chilly spring moon to take away the anxiety, to brush away the fear. I have my peace, do I give it? Do I take away the fear? Can I, may I?

Will you allow me?

Sentences without verbs, not one but two languages unknown, not one but two languages shared… One we know, one we find day by day, moment by moment, kiss by kiss, eye to eye, I to you. 

Your depth, so unfathomable, an ocean, elegant, graceful, warm, calling me back to the water, beckoning me to touch the deepest parts.

Will you allow me?

Sentences without verbs, radiating peace, radiating beauty, radiating elegance. Let me drink into the waters of your life, let me add mine into your ocean, let me drown in your embrace, in your peace, but let me, allow me…

I will take away the thunder, the fear, the wind, the shrill cry of anxiety.

I am not powerless, you are not helpless, let me, allow me, to reflect the peace, allow me to drown you in me, to make you forget the wind; let me shelter you in my safest place, in my arms, next to my heart, above my soul.

I will anchor you against the wind, let me, allow me take away the mundane worry, the deep anxiety.

I will stare back at the darkness. I will bare my fist at it while you are safe, but just let me, allow me. Let me, allow me, to fight the streams that pollute our ocean, clouds that roll over our peace. Let me, allow me. I am not powerless, you are not helpless, we are stronger with each other, within our hearts, our souls, but just let me, allow me. Find peace, love, warmth, longing, tranquility, desire, strength, a future, our future, in me, with me, through us. 

Just let me, allow me, fully.

There is my future to conquer, my ambition to secure. You, only you, the heart knows it was only you, it could only be you. You let me, you allowed me, I dared dream of you and me; now let me, allow me, take away the worry.

The shelter in my sentences without verbs. Speak our new language, discover it with me, piece by piece, look by look, moment by moment. There is your peace I lay freely at your feet, there is my strength I place .

Fill me with your ocean; I will fight the streams, they are nothing against me, when I know you are to be with me.

Just let me, allow me.

God Rays

There is a tomorrow.

It’s dark no longer.
There are clouds,
There is wind.
No longer a storm,
Not yet the sun.

It’s cold no longer.
There is dew,
There is wind.
No longer a blizzard,
Not yet the sun.

It’s broken no longer.
There is a heart,
There is a kiss.
No longer a tornado,
Not yet the sun.

It’s lonely no longer.
There is a universe,
There is a deep call.
No longer a sadness,
Not yet the sun.

Dreams told me it will come.

The clouds have parted.
There are walls torn down,
There are scattered ruins.

No longer a few naked trees,
Not only our city,
Our country,
Our island,
My ocean,
My land,
My kingdom warm.

My heart no longer forlorn.

Above us,
Our setting moon,
Slowly, beautifully,
Ahead of us,
Our rising sun,
Dawning with golden rays,
Ready to pierce the horizon.

Wash our kingdom,
Our country, our island,
You – my ocean, my land,
My kingdom, my art,
My sun, my kind heart,
Wash my kingdom in warmth,
Drown my ocean in our heart.

There is more than a tomorrow.

Dance with me.
You and I,
We will rule
Together.

Hands

Let me guide you where it’s silent
Through the night and day
The crowds can wait till
We have no sighs left

Let me guide you where it’s silent
Only our heartbeats to play
Through the music of our souls
Life can pause and wait

Let me guide you where it’s silent
Only our hands to hold
Through the thunder and rain
Tears can pause unto smiles

Let me guide you where it’s loud
Only your voice and mine
Through our bodies and souls,

Time can freeze and wait

For us to be done.